I Get It

I get that the world doesn't revolve around me. Really, I do.  Can you feel the but, coming?

Well here it is, but I came to spend time with you and I'd like to do that.
I get that you have a life here 1,000 miles away from me, but I traveled those 1,000 miles to be with you.

I get that you have a job and that you're not on spring break like I am.
I get that your fiancé means a lot to you and that you like to spend a lot of time with him but so does mine and I chose you.
I get that you're an adult with different tastes than me.
I get that you can't do what you used to.
I get that it's my choice to be upset or to rearrange my thinking.
I get that you've done this all before and that it's old hat.
I get that he's a new part of your life and he'll be there all the times I'm not.
I get that we haven't had the smoothest relationship.
I'll get that we wont be as close as I want us to.
I'll get this relationship isn't based on anything but blood.
I'll get that this is me.
I just don't yet.
I'm upset.
Your dismissal of my feelings doesn't help and just hurts more.
I'll learn, I get that.
You'll mature, I get that. So will I.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Depression sucks. There's no way around that one. When you wake up and all that you can think about is the pain that is slowly eating you away. The tearing of the lining of your uterus screaming at you for not getting pregnant this month. You know that you've made your bed look like a murder scene because it's managed to hit you in the middle of the night without you noticing. You knew it was coming. When the white pills stop and you start those cute peach sugar pills, you know it's time to break out the Motrin. 

When you get to work only to realize that your Wellbutrin is sitting on your night-stand untouched because you were in too big of a hurry to clean up your biohazardous bed, you get this sinking feeling that nothing is ever going to be right today. Tick. Tick. Tick. Time is moving both too fast and too slow. The end of work only means that you'll have to sit through 3 hours of lecture but work is monotonous and dull. Your procrastination won't allow for productivity and Pinterest is increasingly mind numbing.  Highlight of the morning is being able to sneak off and grab a coffee with the boyfriend who brought you a lunch, which you also forgot. A peanut butter and jelly made with both heels of the bread. It's the thought that counts, at least someone in the office offered you buy you lunch.

Work ends. Class begins. Girls suck. Girls suck worse than depression sucks. They're chipper and bright and chirping about something that is of no social value. You know the girls who were "popular" in high school. Of course that's the label that we put on them so we don't feel bad that we're not friends with them. Their voices make me want to slam my head against the wall. Really, I thought I got into a good school; how did I get stuck with people like you? Judgmental? Horribly. Honest? Completely. Justified? Not at all. 

Two calls during class. "WHAT DOES THE FOX..." before I'm able to silence my phone. Buzzzzzzzz. Buzzzzz. Before I'm able to stop it a second time. "I'm in class, call later." Whispered tones. Again with the slamming my head against the wall. This time out of mortification. I make fun of the people who's phone goes off in class. It's my fault though, A. because I mentioned to Mom that today was the worst day since Thanksgiving of 2010, B. because I left my fucking phone on. 

One class down, one to go. Out of 12 presentations I'm the 11th to go and we can leave as soon as we're done. Having begged to go first of course I'm not allowed and wait sulking in the furthest place I can be from the instructor, trying to appear very interested in the book that is due for that class at the end of the semester. Tears will not fall. Tears will not fall. Get your shit together Julia. Nothing has happened to you today that would making crying justified. BUCK UP AND DEAL. 100% on the presentation. That's something. yay me! How horrible is it to get the best grade possible and still not be able to smile genuinely to the doctoral student who gave it to you?

Home, finally. First things first; I need a shower. The water doesn't get hot enough to bring me back into my head, it does get cold enough though. Shaving while shivering wasn't my best plan but I'll take one knick over the stubble that was forming under my arms. The Wellbutrin arrives. 45 minutes later I'm able to smile genuinely. I'm able to call Mom and tell her what happened and work through the struggles of the day. I'm able to mentally apologize to the girls in class who are different from me and have different priorities. 

I'm able to be me. 

I don't want to have to rely on a medicine to be me. Was it the medicine or the placebo? Did I allow myself happiness because I knew that I would be able to feel it as soon as the medicine kicked in?  Who the hell knows? Who has the answers? Was it me?! Am I too dependent? 

Do I care?

I was able to be me. Should I care? I didn't like who I was earlier today. If medicine helps me, why shouldn't I take it?

I just want to be able to be me.

Motivation Found?

Guys, I'm getting a nephew! I'm so elated, words could never express my joy! This little boy will be the first in a long series of girls, (my parents had three daughters). This is the first born of the next generation in our immediate family, of the extended family he'll be number seven. I'm so proud of my big sister for taking this step in her life and I wish her all the joy and happiness, as well as my brother-in-law.

I think the idea of not being able to keep up with my nephew has helped to kick start my butt into action. I want to be that fun aunt who plays ball, that he can go on runs with, and go hiking in the mountains when he comes to visit. I want to be able to hold that little bundle of energy until he falls asleep without my arms feeling like they're going to fall off.  I want to be able to sit on the floor with him and not be horrible sore and uncomfortable when I stand up.

The holidays were hard on the wallet and waistline, as to be expected.  But two weeks after all the festivities have been done I'm getting back in the habit of making food instead of ordering it, not having cookies as snacks, drinking more water and less of everything else (especially soda!). Time to get back on the wagon and start this long road toward healthy again.

I stopped running after the Color5K in September and I want to get that back. This summer I want to be able to run outside with only shorts and a sports bra so I can work on my tan and work out at the same time but two things need to happen before I can do that. One, be able to run for any extended period of time. I'm currently only able to run in sprints of 60 seconds with walking 90 seconds in between for a total of 25 minutes or so. Second, I need to feel comfortable in my body enough to strip down to that level. I'm only 20, I should be able to do this without fear of judgement and ridicule. I need to realize that the hardest critic that I have is myself and when I become comfortable with myself that will be the true achievement. It won't be all the fat that I lost, it won't be the inches gone, it'll be the self-acceptance and the emotional relief from all this time of putting myself down.

Makin' Progress

We're getting there. No matter how slowly and how tiresome we are getting there. My all-time-high weight was 213 pounds and this week we had a break through.

After almost 2 years I have broken the 200 barrier! My elation knows no bounds. I got back into the Insanity program and I've made it as far as I did the first time I attempted it. My eating is great and I'm constantly snacking with a couple substantial meals through the day.

My boy's sister is getting married in a couple months and I don't want to be upset about what I see in the photos. I'm not in the wedding but I'll be on Kevin's arm and I want to look great there. I'm not saying I won't look great at my current weight but I know I won't be satisfied.  Sigh, oh the joys of being a twenty year old.

Wish me bunches of encouragement!

One Year Later...

Stumbled upon my own blog and I can honestly express my disappointment in myself for not doing absolutely anything. I dramatically quit that job that I was working at; the management was poor, the hours were awful and nothing was keeping me there but guilt. 

I can say that I tried Insanity with Shaun T. and I couldn't get into it. I think it was a mix of not being able to do all the workouts without thinking I was going anywhere and lack of motivation.  Lack of motivation is my number one killer! Today I set 3 alarms, 6:30, 6:45, and 7:00, I was going to get up and be out the door at 7:00am and I actually did it! I did a nice 2.03mile jog at a snails pace but I was moving! I had a back up route that I know only takes me 30 minutes instead of 40 or so. 

I'm going to be running the Color 5K on September 29th and that's super exciting! I'll be running with one of my good friends Lauren. Currently, my plan is to keep running 5K's as I continue to add time and distance onto my running in hopes of getting to my half marathon sometime in the next year. Of course there are going to be landmark achievements between here and there but that's the goal for this year. 

I didn't make it to Philmont, as you might have imagined. I bit off a little more than I could chew with prepping while in school and balancing two jobs, now I work at the bowling alley. My specs are roughly the same which is depressing over a year later, but by this time next year I will have run multiple 5K's and hopefully a 10K or two.

Good luck fellow fitness enthusiasts!

Hopefully

I had a huge accomplishment today! I was able to pull back my hair! Alright, I had my hair black, blonde, red, and then I wanted it natural. At that point my hair was just barely long enough to pull back and then I cut it to one inch or so...just as long as Kevin's. Since then I've been tempted to dye it but I've refrained. Now, almost a year later I can pull back my hair with a rubber band, bobby pins, and a hair thingy (descriptive, I know).

To do along with my hair achievement I have a physical achievement and a Philmont update.

I've made it back to my pre holiday weight of 209lbs.! This is exciting for me cause now I'm 2 pounds away from the absolute max for Philmont. I can make it down to that without a problem but I'd like to make the 172 recommended weight. This is 37 pounds. I was truly surprised by the scale this morning cause I thought I had been slacking this week but this is good.

On the topic of Philmont, I contacted the Venturing Crew Advisor out of Missouri and I think that it's almost official that I will be returning to Philmont this summer. This means I will literally working my ass off to get in shape. Wish me luck!

Philmont

Motivation? All time low.

I hit sprees here and there where I will work out every day for a week and then BAM! suddenly it's three weeks later and I haven't lifted anything heavier than my back pack.

This is one of those weeks. Sunday I got my ass down to the White Building for a class, Power Remix I think. That was a good one. I was uncoordinated and clumsy but I managed huffing and puffing through the whole thing, feeling good by the end. Today, I was gonna try a Zumba class but my motivation was lacking something hard core. I've figured out that unless someone is going to be next to me the whole time or I'm motivating someone else it just ain't gonna happen.

But I got this text today from a girl I was in a Venturing Crew with in high school and she told me that she had a friend who needed another person to go on a trek to Philmont Scout Camp in New Mexico. I've gone before and it was fantastic. I was in shape, strong, healthy and I didn't realize it then because I was a 16 year old girl with body image issues, not that I don't have them now, but I looked sexy!

I can get back into that shape again and I know it. Here's the catch, if I don't then I'm not allowed to go on the trip. It's a safety hazard not only for me but for the rest of the crew. I need to be able to keep up with them and have a certain skill set that will be useful. 

Last week I weighed in at 213 pounds. The height to weight requirement that they hold everyone to is unisex and for a 5'7" person I'm recommended to be between 121-172 with an absolute max of 207 if a special exception is made. It's currently the end of January and the trip is in June/July with my physical due a month ago. Granted there's no confirmation that I'll be able to go on the trip yet but I'm not going to let myself know that yet. I think that if I cling to the idea that I'm going to Philmont and that I required to do this that I can get it done.

Instead of Zumba I went on a 45 minute walk run with Kevin. It was around a track and of course me being the birdbrain that I am forgot to count how many times I went around. I broke a sweat and that's good so I just need to work up to carrying 50 pounds 13 miles a day for 9 days straight...I can do this.